Today..... I feel like Johnny Cash........ | nundochips's Blog

I hurt myself ......... not in a physical way but a mental way, I allowed things in my head, I DON'T do that it's a rule, things in your bonce make you think, at the moment when I think I see nothing.

My Mum died last month this happens to everyone I know, I don't want sympathy, dealing with the masses of well wishers was hard even my own personal friends saw how uncomfortable with human contact I am at the funeral, even betting amongst themselves that they would hug me to just to make me uncomfortable ( I frigging love those guys ) when my parents split I never cried I was 16 who cries at 16 to me a wimp at that age your a man not a boy, still makes me laugh when I think about my Mum putting her favorite ornament on my Dad's car, as she smashed it up with his golf club, chuckling now a fucking bunch of Crystal grapes, how's that for grapes of wrath !

Moving forward, ever seen a person love some so much they try to take their own life twice, returning from work when I still lived at home, bottles of pills strewn along the floor, her weapon of choice was brandy the fumes are wafting up my nose as I talk so strong, stinging my nose!  I can drink but holy shit my Mum could " DRINK "  snarling at me who the fuck are you to me on more than one occasion which always got to me since I was the son that stayed but everyone needs someone to vent their anger on, don't they ?  Later on in life she ended up in a wheel chair, her back disintegrating, so isolated, painful to go see her a woman that worked all her life to support me, proud of me, stuck in a one bedroom apartment, so many hospital visits, so many moments of emotion but I still never told her I loved her I never could make that break through.

My Dad was a normal guy, a decent guy, at all points in a relationship break ups happen, he just fell into the trap of adultery ! If he hadn't left with leaving a note through my door I would have forgiven him that hurt me the most,  winding forward 10 years the family on my Dad's side that had abandoned my Mum since she was adopted when young and had never met her Birth mother turned up at the funeral, these people were like real sisters and brothers to my Mum she loved them with all her heart, may as well as cut it out with a spoon, all contact lost when the divorce happened, here's the real kicker...... My Dad walks straight past me the first time I see him in 10 years, that fucker didn't even recognize me,  all smiles with his family as I stand with my friends, more of a family than he will ever be ! 

I was in the middle of Morocco when she died eating a plate of chicken on a cruise ship, worst chicken ever,  dissolved in my mouth like a zombies brain rotten to the core, I wasn't even in the country to be there, This is the first Christmas of my life without my Mum, every year I go down to her house and open presents we sit through the ritual me and my brother who is the complete opposite of me we don''t talk we have nothing in common, worst Christmas ever !

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Posted on 08:43PM on Dec 22nd, 2012
You did ask :)
Posted on 07:16PM on Jan 1st, 2013
I know you don't want sympathy but still, you have mine. All the talks we had and you never mentioned about your mom, so sorry and yes I understand how sucky this xmas must have been for you. Hugs sweetie
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