It's been roughly a year or coming close to it that my Mum died, I can't even remember the last time I felt this alone in the world, after the funeral I thought my Dad might try to get more involved, his family attempt to bring me in from the cold, maybe someone would want me, let me explain my Mum had no family she was adopted into one that did OK by her but never continued that love into later life, My Dad left her, left me and my brother who I actually get on with but as mentioned before I just can't talk to!
So lost, I used to be creative, I used to be able to get up and think I want to make something I want to film, take pictures of things and let people see what I can do, I can't even pluck up the ability to talk to my partner now days, I just want left alone to do nothing, work is a release, I go I come home, people see me as easy going but I can feel that time is coming when I will snap, it's not pretty when I snap people normally end up crying or never talking to me again, I go to work, I come home I sit, walls vibrate without even moving my eyes fix on them and I stare thinking, work tomorrow, then I come home. Inside I want to go back to being me but it's like a 500 foot wall that needs caved in or scaled to get to me the old me, I want him back, someone please go get him!
It's been 10 years since I saw her last ! today at work as I started my shift, I stood, out the corner of my eye I noticed a girl, a women faint recognition as she walked past me it couldn't't be..................... now if you have read any of my blogs their was once one about the love of my life, how she melted into the background leaving me alone, it felt that way, never having been involved romantically with her, just to be around her made me turn in to that little boy who didn't know what to do ! I am still a coward for not displaying my feelings.
Well it was her ! I'm not normally lost for words but at this instant one moment in the fleeting mess that is my life everything felt OK, time actually stood still everyone else went into a blur, we used to talk for hours when we worked together, never have I slipped in to conversation so easily with someone after not seeing them for years no one else mattered, the problem you say well now she is married with 2 kids I have been in a relationship for 11 years which is currently floating along banally, when I looked in her eyes I just had to look away that magic eye contact when you know that you could have loved someone but lost it, we both averted ours eyes but looked again still simmering for me anyway she maybe thought I was just staring at her, then she left I felt like I had been placed back In my life, deflated I moved on the escalator started again ................
Me and my buddy ;) are working on a website we are learning all the time how to edit video, create items ourselves and have created it from scratch ourselves well the other dude does the tech stuff :) each year we say we will complete it ! Now we are the closest we have ever been to this feat of astounding web design !
Soon we will start our projects for real, check some of our older stuff out and some newish stuff, hopefully by next month we will be up and running, a few blogs on movies already up check it out if you wish ......
Eyes heavy, lids like ton weights on his sorrowed eyes, why ? Why ! Confession pouring through his riddled soul, chinks of light leaking between the blinds, though he couldn't tell if the lines of shadows were radiating from his immorality of his soul or the sun was beating upon him striking the room in lines of conscience, lifting his head, hair drifting upon his fingers, brushing strands away from his brow, next !
Today he decided today was the day......
I hurt myself ......... not in a physical way but a mental way, I allowed things in my head, I DON'T do that it's a rule, things in your bonce make you think, at the moment when I think I see nothing.
My Mum died last month this happens to everyone I know, I don't want sympathy, dealing with the masses of well wishers was hard even my own personal friends saw how uncomfortable with human contact I am at the funeral, even betting amongst themselves that they would hug me to just to make me uncomfortable ( I frigging love those guys ) when my parents split I never cried I was 16 who cries at 16 to me a wimp at that age your a man not a boy, still makes me laugh when I think about my Mum putting her favorite ornament on my Dad's car, as she smashed it up with his golf club, chuckling now a fucking bunch of Crystal grapes, how's that for grapes of wrath !
Moving forward, ever seen a person love some so much they try to take their own life twice, returning from work when I still lived at home, bottles of pills strewn along the floor, her weapon of choice was brandy the fumes are wafting up my nose as I talk so strong, stinging my nose! I can drink but holy shit my Mum could " DRINK " snarling at me who the fuck are you to me on more than one occasion which always got to me since I was the son that stayed but everyone needs someone to vent their anger on, don't they ? Later on in life she ended up in a wheel chair, her back disintegrating, so isolated, painful to go see her a woman that worked all her life to support me, proud of me, stuck in a one bedroom apartment, so many hospital visits, so many moments of emotion but I still never told her I loved her I never could make that break through.
My Dad was a normal guy, a decent guy, at all points in a relationship break ups happen, he just fell into the trap of adultery ! If he hadn't left with leaving a note through my door I would have forgiven him that hurt me the most, winding forward 10 years the family on my Dad's side that had abandoned my Mum since she was adopted when young and had never met her Birth mother turned up at the funeral, these people were like real sisters and brothers to my Mum she loved them with all her heart, may as well as cut it out with a spoon, all contact lost when the divorce happened, here's the real kicker...... My Dad walks straight past me the first time I see him in 10 years, that fucker didn't even recognize me, all smiles with his family as I stand with my friends, more of a family than he will ever be !
I was in the middle of Morocco when she died eating a plate of chicken on a cruise ship, worst chicken ever, dissolved in my mouth like a zombies brain rotten to the core, I wasn't even in the country to be there, This is the first Christmas of my life without my Mum, every year I go down to her house and open presents we sit through the ritual me and my brother who is the complete opposite of me we don''t talk we have nothing in common, worst Christmas ever !
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A man walks in to a strip club, slightly nervous, he knows technically he is being a bit shady, the feeling in him says pervert! walking past paying five scottish pounds, all he can smell is disinfectant, at this point never realising until the morning that was for him, for them to cleanse themselves of his sweaty drunken pits, soon he would have a women dancing, gyrating against him, the sparse tables populate the room ever wonder why in a strip club their are no chairs in the middle, standing room only greeted by a girl, " dance " £20.00 gone in the bl
Yes over the weekend I was involved in that classic situation of a stag doo ! the one where hierarchy comes in, might as well call it the army, being in the middle of the ranks I coast through these things, not hiding but the mist of that satanic demon called alcohol, honestly Satan knew what he was doing when he invented his best tool for evil, I tend to be able to rise above the clouds of the haziness of being fucked up on alcohol, my head clear, god knows what my body was doing,models poses galore in my head, more like standing like a rubber man thinking I'm striking a pose, you will have seen stag doos they are the one's that turn to the jungle,,,,,, ever seen a gorgeous girl go past tottering along I can imagine what goes through their head fourteen guys in yellow t shirts, queued together, it's like running the gauntlet, meerkats together as our heads crane turning, random comments peppering her ears, isn't this cowardice ? most guys on their own wouldn't venture out their hole in the ground to do this !
The venue, Backpool, stag capital of England, hotel, absolute dive, practising dance moves in the showers, fricking John Travolta style, due to the fact the plumbing must be connected each time someone brushes their teeth in a sink someone get's third degree burns on the other side of the building, add to this a deaf bar man who can't read or write, pretending to tick the drinks of the list but really he is looking at your mouth to find out what you want !
Would I have swapped the experience for anything, NO ! it's a celebration of a friends marriage it might be a fucked up way of doing it but it was a awesome laugh ! and I got a free t - shirt !
Once souls are lost, how do you rip them back to consciousness?
After what feels like at least 2 to 3 years drifting around banging on about the need to better myself can I finally see light striking between my eyes, luck is always part of these kind of situations but finding out how people got where they are isn't't pure blind luck but a mixture of actual hard work and dedication to their craft, sure some achieve that break through by pure chance but hard work, sending things, networking and asking people for help or opinions taking that crictisim and running through the fricking open door......... flowers in your hair dancing in the fucking meadows, today I actually am serious about changing my life, that I'm going to change my whole outlook, fuck people that doubt your ability, living in a backwater town like I do, social life is everything if you aren't't doing the norm your an outcast, Isn't't it time to surround myself with people that want to encourage not wave their hand in your face admonishing your dreams, don't get me wrong I don't want yes people in my life I want people that can say keep trying even if you need work on your talent, not your still doing that mental shit like trying to write a book or make videos, hiding away on a site like this is perfect for me as much as people I like on here, they don't know me unless you talk face to face, fact !
I can say anything pretend I'm doing the right things fabricate my own life, say I'm a budding author, tell people anything, It makes me feel slightly better that somewhere I can be seen as what I say I want to do and not my banal life that I harp on about changing.
Is now the time !
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Today whilst pounding the treadmill, for some strange reason my life started to slide through my head, images flashing of what I consider important times, teachers saying great idea, reports saying could be brilliant, needs to apply himself, most things in my life have been a crescendo to great, then falling away because I thought it was done or I became disinterested. My parents seemed to have this trait but I don't believe you inherit their traits, I believe your the person you make yourself, so far I can honestly say I don't care much for what I have achieved, living through my Dad Leaving and my Mums various suicide attempts, leaving her in a wheel chair now from alcoholism seems to have nullified my emotions, I have always been a loner needing that space to breathe. I hate crowds, I have a small circle of friends I feel comfortable with, new people have arrived in this circle, I don't like them, I feel not pushed out but angry with myself for not being able to relate to them, I really am just not good at change at all,
I'm not good at moving forward, taking it to the next level, what I am good at is keeping myself within myself not letting people know me or what I am about, hiding even from my best friends in life my interests, to fit in with the jock group I hung about in, try telling people that just drink and play sports you want to create writings and short films, disbelief happens like " what the fuck are you doing " was the reaction, I think I'm a coward, wanting to do so many things in my life and not having either the ability or bravery to carry it off.
Right now I find myself not pushing myself forward but pulling the reins back, sat here wishing, sometimes I can feel things bubbling to the surface, when young I had opportunities in sports I was good, wait not good, pretty dam good, I had trials for my country coming up, alas ligament damage stopped me again I gave up, see a coward, I gave up because I didn't think I had the ability to come back at the level I was at, let alone no money after my Dad left for training, games and equipment, sat here in a darkened room, watching a film all woe is me and all that shit, move forward you fucking coward, take control, one day I will, I hope it's not to late !
Isn't it an absolutely crazy thing that in the world our hospitals are full of people laying their from their own demise, I'm talking drugs, alcohol and cigarettes things that harm us but we still intentionally take them to fulfill our fix or need. Would it have been so bad to live in a society that lives life as we apparently should healthy living, diet that allows us to be smarter, fitter or even live longer, most don't care, moderation is the key in the world of food.
Watching a pro gramme the other day and not to pick on the United states because it happens everywhere, unfortunately when it's on television it mostly brings the citizens of this country up with the problem of obesity, I can never figure out why something isn't done in restaurants, diners any food establishments where the portions are obscene, shouldn't't the law be what kills you should be modified or is that abolishing freedom of choice ? A nanny state or dictatorship, My personal feelings aside of all the above subjects, if a person is dying of afflictions caused by the above, if they have been warned of the dangers at least once but continue to use the substance's in a way that is killing them, should the tax payer pay ?
That person after being warned and shown the dangers of afflictions caused by the above, knows the risk, This is where my emotionally retarded view on life comes my own family has had problems with alcohol or drugs of certain varieties's, what did I say I told you not to do it, it's your own fault my bluntness is one of my biggest downfalls but I can't help but say what I think especially to my own brethren. So to my point why treat people that continually fail to listen to warnings about their health and abuse the system, I know people can get themselves in bad situations and addicted to whatever their vices are but it's a flawed system along the line should they be put at the end of the queue for treatment ?
To me this is exactly what's wrong with Christmas, a guy I work with came up to me and I shit you not this is what he said, my Mum only got me one present for Christmas, it's in a big box though maybe theirs lots inside, I got her loads that better not be all she got me.
Honestly I nearly died laughing, it wasn't the fact that he sounded so greedy, or that the the season of goodwill to all men is about giving not receiving, it was the bloody fact he was 25 years old, 25 FUCKING YEARS old and all he could think about was what he got for Christmas, he asked me what I was laughing at, calmly I told him that he should be lucky to get presents at that age, most people well most guys are resigned to boxer shorts, aftershave and the immortal socks, at the age of 17 I think it was and from my own perceptive of things I was told adulthood had arrived the time for expensive presents is over for Christmas. Fair point not to be argued with I totally agreed with my mum.
What struck me most was the look on the guys face of pure disgust that he had one present for Christmas, that his Mum hadn't spent anything like what he had on her, I really did have to stop myself physically shaking him in anger, maybe I'm wrong not being the stereotypical Christmas person but the whole thing rocked my faith in normality and decent people !
I wake up it's been 10 years, stirring as I wake I can see her face melting in the distance fading away as I rise to face the world, remembering her voice, kind, caring her affection apparent in her tone for myself, as I lay here wondering what if, why didn't I ask for her affection back, I knew the answer the friends talk that gut wrenching punch to the stomach that leaves you gasping for breath.
The first time I was in love was with a girl called Jennifer, never before have I clicked with someone so effortlessly, people watched they knew I was smitten laughing as I fell over her fawning at every attempt to please or impress. She never let on not one bit she must have known we worked together almost everyday had lunch, walked to the train or bus station together at the end of the shift, never letting on her feelings when mine were so apparent, I’m guessing that made me a coward not to confess my feelings. I figured that she must know if she wanted to be romantically involved it would happen, I waited and waited as people told me nothing would happen as long as I stopped short of expressing myself.
I loved her because she was beautiful, stunning but had no Inkling of her beauty, her long blonde tresses draped her shoulders, and her eyes, oh god them eyes, they stared through me, not once judging my actions, when I was with her the world might as well have left the building, each time she touched me, it's so clichéd but I felt happy, ecstatic sometimes breathless, I was young, sometimes I may have had to turn away ( evil grin ) I watched guys approaching, suitors asking to be considered, as she rejected each one, giving me me hope, remembering as I sat head in hands plucking up the courage to do the deed, walking chest out, hands sweaty so sweaty in fact I hid them behind my back, wringing them dry.
You guessed it I bottled it, leaving my job for promotion I didn't see her for a long time, until she turned up in a night club, all those feelings came back as she asked me to dance, I whispered In her ear " you don't know what you do to me " as she pulled away a puzzled look on her face, I watched her walk away, I didn't know her boyfriend was with her as she walked out, ever been left on a dance floor crushed looking at the floor ? raising my head I watched them leave, staring, my heart skipped a beat as she turned her head fixing that gaze on me, locking with my own stare, she lowered hers I thought I saw her mouth something it looked like I’m sorry, probably more like I thought that's what she said, to this day I still think I would walk away if she asked from my current life to be with her.
Sat here, the television is blaring, hypnotically keeping me to the sofa reaching for various snacks, juice or anything for my hands to play with, as always I want to change my life use what I call my creative skills to make a difference move away from my mundane ability to sit doing nothing. I'm an active guy my life is full of activities, I can call friends talk to them if I wish maybe not about my inner fears but at least just to chat, something is missing though I need to place my finger on it.
What stops me believing in me, fear, motivation or just plain laziness, the words that strike terror into my heart every time I hear them, I WANT, I WANT and I hear myself say you may want but you haven't worked for it finished projects started or planned them out, not being spontaneous enough to just grab that opportunity to move them along, shutting these thoughts down is my like my superpower my talent to stifle any success I wish for.
Video making something I have a desire to achieve an audience in, even for a laugh or even if it's rubbish I want to create something plan it direct it, edit it or write the scenarios, everything so far in life I have believed I can achieve has been shot down by problems within family, illness, injury, you know the normal run of the mill life stuff that gets thrown at everyone some deal better with these situations better than others, some use them to drive themselves forward towards their dreams, I know people with this burning desire inside them and every single one has gone on to better things, bettered themselves even by a tiny amount. is this ability gene driven ? engrained on the person's being or learnt by experience, no matter which, I want it, I better get started though life is moving fast.
I wrote this blog last night but then stopped as I wanted to work on it some more, living in a world fraught with fear, books and texts dictate killing because of bygone ages and e ons of killing in past history, haven't we evolved past senseless violence, told by ancient prophets to commit these sins and gods worshipped to the point that maniacal followers die by the thousands to prove a point.
Dictators play their game of thrones, genocide, mass murder, mutilations ordered but in the grand scheme of things all this achieves is more horror, sending in the soldiers to restore harmony having to lay their lives down in the name of unity, honour and general well being for the world because some absolute crackpot thinks ordering these things is their god given right because somehow they are in power by the linkage of family or acts of utter aberration.
Even I olé stone-face with my emotionally retarded view on life and people finding myself unable to compute feelings to sympathise with this plight, find myself with a gulp in my throat and a tear in my eye, bringing me to my final words, at which point does it take a person to snap, the depths of their minds so corrupted that they find it OK and their moral compass is so screwed up that they find themselves so violent and take life as mere child's play. 1
Previous PostsStruggling......, posted July 28th, 2013, 2 comments
.......... really !, posted March 15th, 2013, 3 comments
Website, posted February 26th, 2013
Him....., posted January 18th, 2013
Today..... I feel like Johnny Cash........, posted December 22nd, 2012, 2 comments
Last thing I wrote and refined!, posted December 16th, 2012
It's all a lie !, posted September 2nd, 2012
Coming through........, posted June 10th, 2012
Flashing !, posted May 6th, 2012
Moments in the head !, posted April 23rd, 2012
Flashed, posted February 12th, 2012, 4 comments
Why ........... Live longer and prosper !, posted January 5th, 2012
Christmas and Idiots !, posted December 26th, 2011, 1 comment
Still to this day ......., posted December 18th, 2011, 1 comment
EMO !, posted December 16th, 2011, 2 comments
Thoughts of an Insomniac 1, posted December 1st, 2011
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